Mummy Porn

This is for Helder, whether he wants it or not.

Woodsy Johnson looked at the book. Then he looked at the circle or red candles marking the shape of a circle around the crudely drawn five-pointed star inside the circle.

Red candles with bits of silk and lace embedded on the outside? Check.

Pentacle drawn with a mixture of ground rosehips and virgin’s blood? Well, kind of. The blood was ground up dragon’s blood and some dried rose petals he stole from the back of a florist on his way home. It was close enough, right?

He read the incantation in his head again:

Salvēte, dī coitūs et ardoris! Date mihi patientiam et vīrēs ad satisfaciendum et evocandās mumiās, ut fruantur meā magnitūdine et amōre!

He picked up his phone and looked at his translation that he looked up online. They were the same words. But why the hell did THIS happen?

The smell of dust and dried linen hung in the air of his bedroom. The incense had stopped smoking when the incantation had finished. The same with the candles.

Woodsy wanted to be a famous porn star. He dreamed of being some hot stud on a set with dozens of babes clawing his clothes off. Ever since he got his own computer, his fantasy was set off with the older women. It was not that unhealthy, but he couldn’t help but stare at that one science teacher…

He shook his head, clearing his thoughts, and bringing himself back to the present problem.

Standing in front of him, wrappings slowly falling to the ground, were at least 8 ancient and dried mummies. They groaned in ecstasy. He hoped that was what they were doing, he still wasn’t sure how they could groan. When he took history in middle school a few years ago, he recalled that the organs were removed during the mummification process.

Even thinking of the word ‘organ’ reminded him of the painfully hard bulge in his pants. All he wanted was to shoot a video and get the envy of the rest of his friends before he graduated this year. The rest of those hornballs that joke about this shit were supposed to be amazed and jealous of his prowess with the women.

But those older women were supposed to be in their 30’s, not their 3000’s! What is worse, is that the spell was to have the women want to throw themselves at him. He was starting to see much more dried skin than he could ever imagine.

I am never having beef jerky again, he thought to himself, as more of the wrappings fell to the floor.

“Ladies, I think?” He croaked. They were disturbingly posing themselves in ways that looked ungodly inappropriate in these circumstances. Paired with the unholy feeling that his body was more than willing to give these stiffs a stiff one, Woodsy hoped he didn’t have another fantasy for the rest of his life.

“I think there has been some misunderstanding,” he continued. “You see, I was trying to make a scene… Oh no, the camera man!” He moaned, remembering the videographer he contracted with for this infamous event.

“Dude, what the hell is this crap?” The voice came from the doorway to the hotel room he was renting for the day.

“Listen, I can explain,” Woodsey started to say.

“No explaining, buddy. When you contacted me, you mentioned wanting to shoot a scene with older women, but I didn’t expect an art scene. Is this a new kink that we are on the leading edge of?” The cameraman started to set up the lighting tripods and plot out where he was going to get the best angles for the video.

“No, no, no! This is not what I wanted to do! I wanted a hot scene with older women, but not this old!” Woodsey was nearly crying in embarrassment as he started to feel the leathery skin caressing his chest. He squeaked and fell backwards onto the bed when he felt hands on his zipper. Too late, he realized his mistake as his new position was just the way the women would want him.

“Buddy, I don’t know who did their makeup, but this is next level!” The camera man had the lighting set up and flicked the towers on, while shouldering the camera harness.

“I wish it was makeup!” Woodsey screamed. “All I wanted was a mommy porn fantasy, but I got these mummies,” He stopped, heart sinking.

Realization dawned on him as he felt several hands pull off his pants. He never typed the words into the translation app. He spoke into the microphone. It must have heard the wrong word! Grabbing desperately at his phone that was on the little table by the bed, he pulled it towards him. He looked at what the voice dictation program had written. Hiding in the words of the incantation wasn’t the word ‘mommy’, but the word ‘mummy’. He asked the sex gods to bring him a bunch of mummies!

Though the hands that slid along his skin had been dead for millennia, they were very soft. It was a weird feeling, mixed with the knowing of what it was that caressed him.

“This is awesome dude! I don’t know how you are keeping it up, but this is the best video I have seen in ages! Have you thought of a title? I was thinking you could call it ‘Mummies Unwrapped: The Young and The Restless.’”

Woodsey closed his eyes and the smell of cinnamon and incense drifted by his nose. It was a smell that he didn’t find unpleasant. They still knew what they were doing, even after so many centuries.

It could be worse, I guess, he thought as he let himself get into his scene.